Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong; Start Looking at What's Right How to Get Along Better? Uncover the Positive Needs

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, but the way we handle it often determines whether it escalates into a destructive cycle or becomes an opportunity for growth. In many conflicts, individuals tend to focus on the negative aspects of the other person's behavior, often leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and further animosity. What if there was a different way to approach conflict resolution—one that seeks to understand the positive motivations behind dysfunctional behavior? In this article, we'll explore the idea of looking for positive, health-seeking motives behind conflicts and how it can pave the way for more effective and harmonious resolutions.

It's a common tendency to become experts in pinpointing each other's flaws and shortcomings during conflict. When we disapprove of someone’s dysfunctional or harmful behaviour, our natural reaction is to assume negative intentions behind those actions. However, by shifting our perspective, we can begin to unravel deeper motives that drive these actions.

Consider a situation where a teenager rebels and becomes disrespectful towards adults. This triggers reactions that are normally confrontational. The adult gets upset, assuming conflict and disrespect to have been the motive.  Let’s take a step back and consider the healthy intentions behind it.

Rather than jumping to conclusions about malicious intent, it's worth delving deeper into the reasons behind someone's actions. Although the behavior created conflict, the underlying drive is more likely a desire for autonomy. The teenager's actions may be stemming from a healthy need to assert independence and establish their identity.

By recognizing the positive motivation of seeking autonomy, we can now shift the conversation from judgement to curiosity. Instead of simply reprimanding the teenager, a more constructive approach would involve inviting the youth to explore their motives, acknowledging their need for autonomy, while also establishing boundaries that respect both parties' perspectives. 

Identifying positive motivations doesn't mean condoning disruptive behavior. Rather, this approach opens the door to collaborating to find common ground, set boundaries and work toward solutions that address everyone's needs. A difficult conversation now becomes an opportunity for you to point out that just as they have a legitimate need for autonomy (or novelty, or excitement or whatever) you also have legitimate needs that deserves equal respect, perhaps in your case for connection, (or order or peace). When two conflicting parties understand and validate each other's underlying motivations, they can reframe the conversation and work as equals toward a resolution. This not only satisfies more of each person’s needs, it also shifts the relationship toward greater reciprocity.

Romantic couples I work with are often at odds due to differences in communication styles. Instead of casting blame and assuming negative intentions, they can engage in a conversation that explores the health-seeking intentions behind each communication preference. One person finds silence calming, yet may be viewed by their partner as uncaring, while the other’s desire for connection might be interpreted as intrusive and controlling. But the healthier needs for peacefulness and connection are both legitimate. Once this is recognized, they can shift from the unhappy impact to the health-seeking needs and begin working together to find strategies to meet the deeper needs in new ways 

When you make an effort to uncover the positive intentions hidden behind unwanted behaviours , you’re on the way to building empathy, bridging gaps, and creating  solutions that benefit everyone involved. You’re on a journey that builds stronger relationships along the way.

All because you noticed the positive need that motivated the hurtful behaviour.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Divorce Out of Court: It May Take More Than a Mediator

Divorce is never a walk in the park. It’s a complex emotional journey that requires careful navigation. This is just as true if you are committed to resolving it out of court. Divorcing couples often utilize a wide range of professionals to ensure a rock-solid, legally valid, and bullet-proof agreement. This blog explores some of the experts you might want to consider on your divorce team.

A Mediator: Mediation can be essential to avoiding courtroom battles. As a neutral facilitator, they help you and your spouse reach agreements on various issues, including child custody, visitation schedules, and property division. They can offer strategic guidance and support throughout the process assisting as you navigate the emotional challenges, manage stress. With their assistance, you can maintain control over the decision-making process and work towards a mutually beneficial resolution.

A Family Lawyer isn’t necessary, contrary to popular belief. You can waive that option, but it isn’t recommended unless trust is very high and issues are very few. The mediator can provide legal information but can’t offer legal advice about your rights and obligations. For advice along the way, and a review of the Separation Agreement at the end, it’s smart to hire an experienced lawyer.

A Divorce Financial Expert can provide invaluable guidance in untangling the complex web of assets, liabilities and support obligations. They can help you understand the long-term financial implications of different settlement options and ensure that the lawyers are basing their advice on a fair division of property.

A Child Specialist can help assess and minimize the impact of the divorce on your children and provide recommendations for parenting schedules that prioritize their best interests. Their expertise can guide you in creating a parenting plan that promotes the healthiest possible environment for your children.

A Real Estate Appraiser is crucial for obtaining an accurate valuation if one party is buying out the other’s share of your home or other properties, thereby ensuring that the division of assets is based on fair and up-to-date valuations.

A Tax Specialist can help you understand the tax consequences of different settlement options, guide you in maximizing tax benefits, and ensure compliance with tax laws during property division and other financial matters.

A Pension Expert can provide guidance on the valuation and division of pensions. They analyze pension benefits, calculate present values, and assist in creating a fair and equitable distribution plan, considering factors such as retirement ages and survivor benefits.

A Business Valuator can determine its true value if you or your spouse own a business. They assess the financial health, assets, liabilities, and earning potential of the business to ensure an accurate representation for equitable division.

An Estate Planner revisits your estate planning documents, such as wills, trusts, and powers of attorney. Consulting with an estate planner can help you navigate the necessary updates to ensure your wishes are properly reflected, and your assets are protected for the future.

While mediation is an essential part of most out-of-court separation agreements, it’s essential to recognize the value of other professionals. Specialists provide knowledge and guidance to protect your interests and help you secure a balanced, bullet-proof agreement. Remember, every divorce is unique, and the need for additional professionals will vary depending on the complexity of your financial and family situation. Investing in professionals can provide the support necessary to navigate divorce successfully and save you money in the long run.

With the right team by your side, you can confidently move forward, knowing that you have the best agreement possible.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Coaching Within Mediation: A Key to Improving Outcomes

Mediation is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and finding mutually beneficial solutions. As a family mediator, I have noticed that incorporating coaching into the mediation process, between sessions, and occasionally within a session, can enhance its effectiveness and help achieve a faster, more positive result.

 Private coaching by the mediator isn’t traditionally offered because it risks the mediator/coach being perceived as aligning with one client over the other. I solve that by informing the non-coaching client about it in advance, and asking them to approve or veto the coaching opportunity. In every case I’ve ever had, the non-coaching client gladly agrees. They want the other party to negotiate more effectively.

 Let’s explore some reasons why coaching can facilitate the mediation process:

1. Emotional Regulation: Strong emotions often hinder mediation. Perhaps a client is nervous, hesitant and barely participating. Or overly expressive and aggressive. By engaging in coaching between mediation sessions, individuals can explore the impact of their own approach in a safe space. Coaching equips participants with valuable emotional regulation techniques, helping those who are shy to speak up, for example, or those who are overly assertive to calm down, whatever will lead to a better outcome.

 2. Communication Skills: One of the primary challenges in mediation is communication breakdown. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and ineffective communication can escalate conflicts and prolong the resolution process. With coaching, participants can improve their communication skillsoutside the formal mediation setting. They can learn active listening techniques, develop empathy, and gain a deeper understanding of their own communication styles and patterns. The quiet person can work at being heard and the expressive one to offer more space to the other.

 3. Self-Reflection and Clarity: Coaching encourages self-reflection and self- awareness. By reflecting on their own values, needs, and expectations, individuals gain clarity about what they want and can express it more effectively. Coaching helps people identify their priorities, consider alternative perspectives, and explore creative solutions. This increased self-awareness allows individuals to approach mediation with a more focused and constructive mindset.

 4. Goal Setting and Action Planning: Coaching sessions offer a structured environment for participants to set clear goals and develop strategies to meet them. Individuals can work collaboratively with their coach to identify actionable steps towards their objectives. By defining clear goals, participants gain a sense of direction and purpose.

 5. Strengthening Relationships and Building Trust: With coaching, participants develop a deeper understanding of their own needs, as well as those of the other parties involved. This enhances open listening, which builds empathy and translates into more respectful communication. By promoting respectful interaction, coaching fosters an atmosphere of cooperation which can expedite a resolution.

Integrating coaching into the mediation process can be a game-changer. By providing coaching between mediation sessions on an as-needed basis, I offer participants a way to improve their mediation skills, resulting in faster, more successful outcomes. Building coaching into the process empowers individuals to navigate conflicts effectively and create more sustainable agreements.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations. 

1. Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen  and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

1. Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

1. Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene. 

1. Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

1. Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

1. Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

1. Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Internal Mediation Finding Harmony Within Yourself

Have you ever felt like you are at war with yourself? Like there are different parts of you that are constantly in conflict, each wanting something different. Maybe you want to be a better listener, more sensitive to the needs of your partner, but your loner side just wants to go into the den and surf the net. Or maybe you want to get started on that new recipe, but another side of you can't resist a nap on the sofa.

We all have different parts of ourselves, and sometimes they don't agree with each other. It's easy to judge these sides of ourselves as bad and declare war on them; but what if we approached them with curiosity and compassion instead? We all know some people who aren’t bothered by their different aspects of their personalities.

For those who are troubled by it, the work of Richard Schwartz can be helpful.  He was an influential psychotherapist in the 1980’s who introduced Internal Family Systems theory. According to Schwartz, the self contains subparts that make up our internal family. These parts are identified by him in three main categories: managers, firefighters, and exiles.

Managers are the parts of us that try to keep everything under control. They set rules and boundaries to protect us from harm. For example, your manager part might be the one that makes sure you’re a reliable partner, trying hard not to raise your voice even when you’re upset.

Firefighters are the parts of us that spring into action when something goes wrong, helping us cope with stress and trauma. For example, your firefighter side might be the one that provides a special treat when your partner is feeling down. 

Exiles are the hidden parts of us that carry our emotional pain and trauma. These are secret sides of ourselves that can cause us a lot of pain if they're not recognized and dealt with. Maybe since being raised by dismissive parents you’ve never quite felt fully appreciated by your spouse.

The key to working with these parts is to approach them with respect, curiosity, and compassion. Instead of judging them, we can try to understand why they're there and what they're trying to do for us. That means slowing down to acknowledge and become better acquainted with ourselves. We can ask questions like, "What is this side of me really seeking right now? What is it showing me about what really matters to me?” Rather than shutting it down or acting on it impulsively, we can ask, “are there other ways to satisfy it that I haven’t yet considered?" 

These questions help us remember that every part of ourselves has value when treated with respect. Your lazy side might point to the importance of down time in your life, while that ambitious streak may indicate the importance of accomplishing things. Recognizing this may help you to accept that each side is legitimate, which is an important first step in finding a balance between them.  

So, the next time you feel like you're at war with yourself, try approaching your different parts with curiosity and compassion. You might be surprised at what you discover. And if you need a little extra support, consider finding a life coach Reflective Mediation or therapist to guide you into this domain. Or if you are a DIY type, consider checking out Richard Schwartz's internal family systems theory. Richard Schwartz One of these steps could be just what you need to find greater harmony within yourself.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

3 Steps to Befriending Stress

In last month’s blog on Kelly McGonigal’s bestseller The Upside of Stress I summarized her argument that, contrary to popular belief, stress can be healthy, if we shift our relationship to it.

She isn’t suggesting that stress is always good for us. On the contrary, she points out that humans (and all social mammals) are capable of exhibiting a hardwired “defeat response” to extreme stress, typified by loss of appetite, depression and even suicide.  Stressors are particularly harmful when an individual feels trapped, depleted and isolated from others.  

Yet the same stress that harms you can become a catalyst for growth. McGonigal offers three practical, evidence-based strategies for converting unwanted stress into “post traumatic growth”. The hardiness to benefit from adversity appears to come naturally to some people. For those of us who lack that gift, it’s encouraging to know resilience can be learned.

We met Bridget in a previous blog, a single mother suffering from the stress of working at home while homeschooling her children through the pandemic. Let’s apply McGonigal’s three suggestions to see how Bridget’s stressful challenges could help her become stronger.

Step One: Tend and Befriend

The fight-or-flight stress response makes us want to withdraw from others. One way to build resilience is to cultivate a “tend and befriend” mindset, resisting the impulse to self-isolate and instead connecting and inquiring into the welfare of others and offering them help. When we engage with others, increasing our awareness of their pain and focusing on bigger-than-self goals, our biochemistry has been shown to shift. Studies have regularly shown that social contact activates the body’s production of oxytocin (the body’s “cuddle drug”, an enhancer of sociability) dopamine (a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and vitality) and serotonin (which stabilizes mood, counteracting depression, anxiety and agitation).

Bridget decides to try to overcome her loneliness by organizing a Zoom mothers’ group in the evening after her kids have gone to bed. The moms share best practices for keeping kids meaningfully occupied and exchange easy recipes. Exhausted, they share stories of running on empty, yet often end by telling Bridget how helpful the circle has been for them.

Step Two: Express Your Stress

Many of us have bury our pain and hide it from others. McGonigal presents research showings that it is more healthy to be open about your struggles, sharing your story in all its distress with interested others. We need to be selective, sharing at appropriate times with those who genuinely care. The effort to articulate your struggles provides an outlet that not only helps build connection, it helps you to see your stressors from a different angle, perhaps drawing out helpful perspectives and insights from family and friends.

Bridget becomes close friends with June, with one of the mothers from the Zoom group. They meet online or exchange phone calls once, sometimes twice a week to unload. It isn’t all complaining. Listening to one another’s struggles they realize how much they have in common, laughing at things the children have said and joking at times that their emotional survival skills could fill a self-help manual.

Step Three: Find Restorative Stories

Narratives that reaffirm the possibility of resilience have been shown to improve the ability to recover from stress. We can select these kinds of stories not only by limiting our consumption of toxic media, but by seeking out stories (true and fictional) that portray redemptive struggles. In our personal lives we can pay closer attention to the resourcefulness we hear in the stories told by family and friends, even as we attend to their pain. Also, let’s not overlook evidence of emotional strength and success that is present in the memories from our  past.

The calls with June have taken on a new tone. Bridget has joined the IVOH (Images and Voices Of Hope) Facebook group and found other self-help websites with tips for helping her friend. She listens now for evidence of June’s resilience, and points out examples of qualities that have made June such a gifted parent. The new tone of the conversation helps them both feel stronger, with June often returning the favour.

Directing her attention toward realistic, positive thoughts has become an uplifting practice, with connection to nature as the way to get there.  She takes brisk walks in the park, breathing deeply and observing nature, experiencing each time a positive change in her mood and perspective. She almost feels like thanking her stress for the motivation to get outside.

Stress hasn’t ended for Bridget, but thanks to a shift in her mindset, stress has shifted its meaning. Would she prefer the stress and the pandemic to end? Of course, she would. In the meantime, by changing her relationship to stress she has come to feel less helpless, less lonely, more enthusiastic and empowered.

 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Upside of Stress

I published “The Yoga of Divorce” in 2016 to describe how I used yoga to manage the stress that was hijacking my life during my divorce and to forge a win-win amicable parting. I was responding to my fear of stress, based on the widely-accepted view that it could damage my physical and mental well-being. Although the stress reduction practices I outlined there are valid, that viewpoint turns out to be only half of the truth.

Recent research presents compelling evidence that stress can in fact be good for us if we change our attitude to it. In her famous TED talk How To Make Stress Your Friend and in her bestselling book The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal, a researcher from Stanford University, argues that how we think of stress can determine whether we have a full-throttle fight-and-flight style threat response, or whether those same stressors result in increased energy and higher performance.

The evidence comes, in part, from “mindset intervention” experiments developed by David Yeager, a mindset researcher at the University of Texas, in which students listened to a brief talk on the energetic benefits of stress immediately prior to a stressful examination. Students who heard evidence of the upside of stress had improved recall and focus because they viewed stress as an ally rather than an enemy. Those who received the “intervention” not only scored better than those who didn’t, but their grades remained significantly higher throughout the academic year.

McGonigal isn’t denying the debilitating impact of stress. It can undermine your ability to cope and harm mental and physical health, nor does she discount the evidence-based benefits of mindfulness as a tool to manage stress. Her point is that for most of us, most of the time, viewing stress as harmful increases the risk of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless when facing stressful situations. Our fear of stress is the source of its power to harm our health. Her advice is that rather than seeking to avoid or control stress, we can choose to change our relationship to it. She argues that welcoming anxiety and stress, seeing it as a natural source of energy and alertness, can boost confidence and improve resilience.

She reports on a Gallop World Poll spanning 121 countries which showed that the happiest people were not those who report less stress, but those who manage high stress without becoming depressed. The “stress paradox” is her term for the discovery that high stress correspond with distress, and also with a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

When you take this view, life doesn’t become less stressful, but it can become more meaningful. Our culture often celebrates a risk-free life of ease and comfort. McGonigal suggests that we find greater satisfaction from challenging ourselves to meet uncertain goals. Quoting from Antonella Della Fave, she concludes that “the more directly one aims to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning and community”.

In this month’s blogpost I’ve introduced this radical shift in thinking about stress; next month I’ll describe McGonigal’s recommendations for HOW we can build a richer, more authentic life by speaking out about our stress and reaching out to serve others.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Learning to Look On The Bright Side

Last month’s blog looked at “learned helplessness”, a kind of paralysis which can take over a person’s life in response to overwhelming stress.  Martin Seligman, the researcher who first named the condition noted its association with pessimism along with a high risk for PTSD and depression.

He used 3 Ps to explain why people give up after being knocked about by life. They come to believe:

1.     Adversity will always occur (is Permanent);

2.     It will occur in all areas of life (is Pervasive) and

3.     They are powerless to change it (is Personal).

This month, the good news. Martin Seligman, who coined the term “learned helplessness” also came up with the concept of “learned optimism”.

Really? Can optimism be learned?

Most mothers will tell you their children were born with either a cheery or fragile disposition. To some extent those traits are hardwired. Yet despite inborn temperament, the evidence is conclusive. Humans have the capacity, with effort, to adjust their disposition and enhance their own well-being. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Seligman’s model presents a 5-step ABCDE sequence. Here’s how it might work in the case of Bridget, who I introduced last month. A single parent, she was overwhelmed with having to work, manage the house and monitor her children’s schooling in a pandemic

1.     Adversity: she’s feeling stuck and overwhelmed, yet hasn’t reached out to her mother or best friend.

2.     Belief: she predicts her mother and best friend will give unwanted advice and react impatiently to her complaints. She fears they don’t really care about her.

3.     Consequence: the result of these negative beliefs is that she remains isolated, unheard and lonely and feels powerless to help herself.

Steps A, B & C present the dilemma. Points D & E outline what Bridget can do to overcome her feeling of helplessness.

4.     Dispute: She challenges her assumptions, asking herself how certain she can be that they’ll respond the way she fears. She brings to times her mother and friend were attentive and helpful. She realizes she can’t really know how they will respond if she calls.

5.     Energization: she begins to feel hopeful, that it may be worth reaching out. She notices that she’s still nervous. She’s vulnerable. It will take courage to phone – to share her pain and uncertainty. Only one way to find out - she picks up the phone.

The goal isn’t a quick fix, but to help empower Bridget to think about the situation differently. She can more energetically assess her options and thereby act to improve her mental health.

In his bestselling book Learned Optimism, Seligman suggests that people suffering from learned helplessness pay attention to the underlying thoughts that influence their emotions and behaviours and actively challenge their own hasty conclusions. His technique is a variation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Seligman is NOT claiming we should always be optimistic. He recommends Balanced optimism, deciding NOT to choose an optimistic prediction if the risk of being wrong would be catastrophic. For example, Bridget might consider quitting her job on the optimistic prediction of winning the lottery. If the prediction is wrong, she could end up homeless, so optimism wouldn’t be wise. With respect to calling her mother or friend, however, the risk of being wrong would be no greater than a difficult conversation. It therefore makes sense to make the call.

Next month’s blog looks at “The Upside of Stress” by Kelly McGonigal. Her research concludes that meaning and purpose are enhanced by changing your relationship to stress – by choosing to make discomfort meaningful rather than trying to avoid it – and provides tips on how doing so can empower you to be strengthened and enriched by stress. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

When Misfortune Leaves You Paralyzed: The Dilemma of “Learned Helplessness”

Bridget is a single mother, suffering in the midst of the pandemic. She feels overwhelmed by the weight of homeschooling her children while working from home at half her former wages. In addition to the necessities of shopping, cooking, cleaning and caregiving, she can’t stop thinking of how she dropped out of college, about the great job she lost, and how her marriage fell apart. After a sleepless night, her life seems to her like a litany of failures with no way out of the gloom. She worries she’s reached the breaking point, yet can’t muster the motivation to call her mother or best friend for support. She imagines they’re tired of her complaints and will just offer unwanted advice. She emails her ex to pick up the kids and crawls back under the covers, trapped and alone.

Many of us have felt something akin to Bridget’s emotional paralysis. You may have experienced a sense of futility that temporarily sapped your motivation. Often it resolves on its own. However, for some, “learned helplessness” becomes a permanent frame of mind, often associated with PTSD and clinical depression. People stuck in a situation, unable to change tracks.

The Oxford dictionary defines “learned helplessness” as “a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed and becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters, even if they are escapable”. The term was coined by Martin Seligman in 1967 after observing the behavior of dogs who lacked the initiative to escape following repeated exposure to electrical shock, despite being offered the opportunity.

Some of my clients express feeling this way in their family or work life. These are intelligent, well-intentioned individuals who may have felt overwhelmed by divorce, health issues, job-loss or stress at work. They are unable to visualize steps to improve their situation. There is no issue of blame here. Given a world in which external forces impose relentless, unwanted pressures beyond their control, the temptation to believe their situation to be hopeless is entirely understandable. But the sense of hopelessness mires them deeper. It blinds them from seeing the one thing they can control, which is their response.

“Learned optimism” is the answer, and Seligman has emerged as a world expert in the field. Along with other positive psychologists such as Kelly McGonigal, (see her TED talk and book: The Upside of Stress) a powerful movement has emerged making a convincing case that learned helplessness can be overcome, and that an attitude of balanced, realistic optimism can, with effort, be acquired.

Bridget may not be able to transform the circumstances that gave rise to her distress, but she can energize and transform her response.  By challenging her automatic thoughts, by expressing her needs in honest, vulnerable conversations and by connecting with others she can shift the lens through which she sees herself and her world.

In next month’s blog I’ll present a more detailed description of practical steps to overcome learned helplessness, and not only to survive, but to grow stronger in response to unwanted stress.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Steps to Expect When You Give Me a Call

Reflective Mediation is about solving relationship problems by improving communication. You will be dealing directly with me, Mike MacConnell (and my intern for cases of separation and divorce).  Whether through remote video-conference (especially during Covid) or in person, mediation clients meet face-to-face in respectful, facilitated conversations, to arrive at mutual agreement on their issues. Coaching clients work with me privately, face-to-face or by phone.

Inquiry by Email

Our work together usually begins with  an email inquiry to (mike@reflectivemediation.ca or mikegmacconnell@gmail.com) I’ll reply asap answering any initial questions and scheduling a telephone call. If your first inquiry is by telephone, we’re already at the next step.

Telephone Conversation

I call this the “business call”. We arrange for me to call you, or you call 416-433-1314, essentially to vet one another. You want to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable in this process, working with me, and to have your questions answered, while I’m determining whether your goals, needs and issues are well matched by my skill set.

This call is entirely free of charge, fully confidential, and usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes.

I want to get the broad strokes of your situation. I’ll be listening carefully to understand what the issues are, the obstacles you fear and what goals matter most. Next, I need to ensure you are making a fully informed decision before deciding on the process. These are my practical goals.

I’m also dedicated to a psychological goal. I frequently hear from people in pain, people who feel depleted, discouraged and stuck. My goal is to reassure every client that even the most dire situations CAN improve with calm self-care and respectful communication.

Getting Hired

Those calling about private coaching can move directly to financial arrangements once they have decided to move forward. In mediation cases, because another party is involved, I require a similar, no-charge “business call”. Fully-informed, voluntary decisions are essential from each participant. Once all parties have agreed to move forward, I email an Invoice for payment.

Fees

My standard hourly rate is $190 + HST = $215/hr. Flexible rates can be negotiated on an as-needed basis. Each party normally pays an equal share, thus $107.50/hr. each for a 2-party mediation. I ask for a retainer, preferably by e-transfer, representing anywhere from 3 to 10 hours, depending on the case.

I keep detailed docket on an excel spreadsheet which can be shared at any time upon request.

Any unused portion of the retainer is refunded immediately upon termination of our work together, regardless of the reason for its termination.

Once Hired

Our first conversation upon being hired will be a private, confidential Intake Session. This is the chance for the mediator to screen for trigger issues, and to allow each party to provide more detailed information about their situation, including things they might not wish to share during a joint joint session.

In cases of separation and divorce, each party will be emailed an Agreement to Mediate Form and a Mediation Intake Form to be completed and returned prior to the first Joint Session.

Joint Sessions

We now bring participants together for conversations directed toward respectful listening and collaborative solutions. This brings us into the heart of our work.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Marriage Story: The aikido Approach

I teach a college course in divorce mediation and was recently delighted by the dramatic opportunity presented by two students who were role-playing an upset wife and husband.  In the role of mediator, I was demonstrating the subtle art of “going with” the other person, a communication technique that entails resisting the automatic tendency to “push back” when you disagree. 

The student playing the “wife” barked out something like “The kids and I would be better off if you were dead”.

These were hurtful words, utterly unhelpful to reaching agreement. The natural reaction would be to halt the exchange with a reminder that parties had previously agreed to speak respectfully. I had no intention to reprimand. Her high emotion provided me with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the Aikido approach.

Named after an ancient martial art, the Aikido approach, when applied to conflict resolution, teaches how to neutralize an attack without inflicting harm. Rather than retaliating, shaming or proving her wrong, this non-aggressive approach accepts the other person’s position and goes with it.

“That is a surprising statement.” I responded, “Do you mean what you said?”

“I mean every word. My children and I would be far better off if he was dead.”

“You must be carrying enormous pain to have such a wish. Help me understand how you believe it would make your life and the lives of your children better if their father was dead.” I turned to the “husband” and said, “Sir, I appreciate your restraint and ask you, if you can, to listen for the next few minutes without immediately responding.” 

The student playing the “wife” improvised for a few minutes, painting an elaborate portrait of her “husband” as a useless internet-gamer and compulsive YouTube addict who was completely inept in caring for his family. 

At one point the “husband” interrupted, “That’s untrue. You’re exaggerating unbelievably!”

“Sir, difficult as it must be, I’m asking you to let her continue. You don’t need to agree. I am not here to gather evidence or judge who is right or wrong. We are listening to what is true from her point of view. I promise we will soon get to hear your side. Will you agree just to listen for the next few minutes?”

“Ok.” he grumbled.

 “Thank you.”

Turning to her, I said, “Thank you for expressing your point of view. I understand more fully now why this divorce is important to you. Please continue. How do you believe it would it be for your family? Imagine the children after the loss of their father. How would it be for them?”

The student tried to maintain her righteous indignation, but couldn’t carry on for long. Soon, on her own, she admitted her words might have been exaggerated, “Of course, I know the kids would miss him. They would miss playing video games together. And his pancakes. It’s just unfair, that’s all. I earn the salary and I take care of him like he’s one of the kids. He doesn’t carry his weight.”

“Now you’re getting to what matters.” I said, “Carrying one’s weight is an important issue to negotiate. It sounds like you are worried that adult responsibilities are currently out of balance. Sir, do you agree it’s important to balance your parenting responsibilities?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Then the two of you agree on an important principle. Now you’re moving forward. Let’s continue.” Her emotions had been legitimized, not shut down, which enabled her to correct herself without being pushed to do so.

Aikido-style negotiation focuses on what makes sense, and avoids getting derailed by what doesn’t. Instead of “fighting for peace” you are “being peaceful for peace”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Conflict Not Quite Triggered

Conflict Not Quite Triggered

 I was riding my bicycle down Christie Street with the wind at my back, late for work and pushing hard when a woman in a parked car suddenly opened her driver’s door. I swerved, barely missed hitting her, and braked to a stop.  Adrenaline soared.  I was aware of my heart pounding as I turned to unleash a stream of insults.    

 Then I saw myself.  In a flash of insight I was looking down at the furious cyclist confronting the shocked driver.  I knew exactly what would happen.  I would shout – she would get defensive.  I would insult her and she would respond by giving me, this crazy cyclist, the finger.  She would get on with her day feeling that she was the victim.  So I shifted the script.

“I doubt you were intending to harm me,” I said as softly as I could manage.  “You probably just forgot to check your mirror, but that isn’t an innocent error.  If I had been injured he cops would have charged you.  Not checking your mirror is actually a crime.”

“You’re right,” she replied.  “I’m terribly sorry. I’m just glad you aren’t hurt.  I really will be more careful from now on.”

I climbed back on my bike and rode on, still shaken, but feeling resolved.  As a cyclist, I had been in altercations before, but this was the first time I came away with anything approaching a sense of satisfaction.

When you are upset with someone, whether in a brief encounter like this, or even more when a long term relationship goes sour, your mind obsesses with every fault of the other, running a self-justifying story loop that goes around and around in your head.

Even when every crime you recite is true, you only tell yourself half the story. Your side.  A similar loop of half-truths is going around in the other person’s mind.

It’s a great way to prepare for battle.  A terrible way to resolve conflict.

It helps to remind yourself of your goal.  Is revenge your objective?  If so then go ahead, keep demonizing your enemy.  But if you want to end the conflict and move on, try mindfulness.

Let’s be clear about that term.  Mindfulness isn’t an elevated or exotic state.  It’s the simple practice of observing yourself doing whatever you’re doing.  You breathe all the time.  Chances are, however, you weren’t aware of the last breath you took. 

The same is true of the emotions you feel and the stories you rehearse in your head.  They usually happen automatically.  You’re barely aware of the loop.  Mindful awareness simply entails slowing down to observe what you’re thinking and feeling.  Then time seems to expand slightly, permitting a pause between impulse and response.

The next time you’re in conflict it might not erupt.  You may become aware, instead, that the gap is not so great between you and your opponent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.